Go Ahead and Walk Away
by toomanycoolkids
Summary: daddy,


remember those days

I thought you were the best dad ever, always there for me, even though all my classmates thought that you were my grandpa when you picked me up from pre-school, you were the coolest person ever. you never nagged telling me what I should have done when I told you about my day, let me sit on your lap, let me share my secrets with you.

of course, there were times where I was angry, sad and confused, when you would scold me for the what I thought were the littlest reasons: not finishing my food, not wanting to learn swimming anymore, not wanting to cut my hair short because the boys called me a boy...

but I guess that's just how things are.

those were the days, beautiful, perfect.

then came the dull days, where conversation was hard to find. I got busy with school, you got busy with work; no longer knew what's going on. and I started getting really close to mum. she seemed like she cared more, like she would never reprimand me for not doing certain things, and she could help me with my schoolwork, turn up at meets with my teachers...

car rides from my school after my activities were awkward with silence hanging in the air. that's when the radio started. _let the radio break the silence as we drive._

that also happens even when mum was in the car. I guess everybody just stopped trying.

that was fine for a while.

then mum stopped including you in things we do. that was fine with me, since I got to buy the things I wanted without having you scold me.

that's just how things were.

until you got a new job.

you were busy as shit, coming home at 10pm, the house felt so empty, like you never existed and that scares me sometimes, knowing i'll never be able to get back to the days where I was your "daddy's girl".

just gonna pretend I don't miss you, daddy.

just gonna pretend I don't care.

what's gone is gone.

_but_

_thank you_

_for the years _

_for the most random trips to Pulau Ubin, to the beach..._

_when you were "daddy"_

_now you're just my father._

_maybe that doesn't make sense. _

right now, I know you're working to earn money. for me. for my future. and im being a bitch about missing you. ha!

how hypocritical of me, eh?

_I remember every morning you would wake up at 6am just to get me to the bus stop for my school bus. _

_when you would come to school all the way from work to pick me up after supplementary or whatever CCA I had. _

_when you would wait downstairs in the car park, in your car, listening to the radio while mum and I were upstairs at grandma's place._

_and you picked mum up from work every night without fail. even when she had to work overtime, you would pick me up from grandma's place and I would sit in your car, on the way to Shenton Way. the car would always be way too cold and the sky would be almost black, with the city lights shining so brightly. fighting sleep, I would always wait till mum was in the car before I let my eyelids slowly droop and let sleep engulf me. _

_I remember two years ago, you got a job you really liked. you would come home every day and tell mum about what happened. _

_I remember I would sit in your car and you would share with me the most interesting and random facts ever. _

_those were the beautiful memories of your sacrifices for this family._

here comes the painful ones,

when you stopped sharing a room with mum. you took your mattress and went to the extra room.

soon, that mattress was replaced with a bed.

then, you stopped having meals with us.

and I thought that was the worse, apparently I was wrong.

you even stopped coming out to the living room to read the paper, to watch the news. you literally locked yourself in the room all day.

I didn't know you didn't have a job then; too caught up with my own life to notice.

then somewhere this year, a little after Chinese new year, I was in your car, you told me about your new job, and how desperate you were to get out of the house and how much you hated mum for "rubbing her stupid degree in your face" every time you quarrelled.

_why hold on_

_why not just let go_

_give up and admit this is the wrong direction and you're just doing each other more harm_

for me? im not worth it.

never was and never will be.

and im sorry its that way

you'll probably never see this, 

but always know

im thankful for everything

and I love you, daddy

im sorry I wasn't who you wanted me to be

**I love you, you're the best dad ever **


End file.
